R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
