Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
