When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
We are all done wearing pants today
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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