How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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