i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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