One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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