I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
