I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
