my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
