Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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