I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
