my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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