whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
