Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
