Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
