The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
