Did you just see the Batmobile???
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
COCAINE IS GR8
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
