i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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