Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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