We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Randomize
