Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
