Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
