Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
