i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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