I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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