dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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