I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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