Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
