you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
