I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
