He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
