Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
