She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
