oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
You are the jesus of drinking
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
