i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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