cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
