I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
