My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
