I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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