the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
