you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Randomize
