it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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