You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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