and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
