I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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