my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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