I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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