Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
