Fine. I'll sleep in my office
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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