She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
